Slow Down to Speed Up

Wow. . . its been a while since I posted. Life is so beyond nonstop and I find it hard to get a spare minute for anything these days. Its funny how quickly life moves, it seems like just yesterday I began dating my boyfriend and next week will make half a year. The best half a year I could ever wish for.

I get to these times in life where I am so flipping excited about the future and all of the things I truly believe my future holds that I can hardly wait for it to get here. At the same time though, I am so in love with my life and I love this season of life too. Its this strange back and forth. Time passes so quickly, more quickly than we realize or really even wish it too. We turn around and wonder where the time has gone. How did I let it get this long since I've called that friend or visited that family member. When was the last time I just stopped? let the hussle and bussle of life just fall away?

We get so wrapped up in life that i passes us by. I want so much to live this part of my life to its fullest because I am a truly blessed person. At the same time, when I look at me future, the people and the things that make my future, I am so incredibly happy and blessed and some days I wish I could fast forward.

I guess what I am saying is no matter how bad some days or weeks are, I have a wonderful life full of wonderful people and I am blessed and happy.

Eye Opening. . . . .

If you start reading this, please finish it. . . 

So, here's the thing. In light of recent conversations I have realized that as much as I was aware of the way people perceive weight and the way that affects relationships and getting noticed by the opposite sex, I really had no clue the severity of it. 

I guess it's because to me it doesn't matter. They way a person treats me and the heart they have are what matters. You can say I'm a liar if you want. You can say that it's not possible to really not care about looks but I know the truth. and it doesn't matter!

To hear the way guys think explained by a guy was shocking to me. It like how in the world is a woman supposed to be comfortable with who she is when she constantly has to worry about that. I am the girl who has struggled with it. I'm the girl who changes outfits about four times every day before she leaves because I think I look terrible. I'm the girl who always has her arms crossed trying to hide. On some days, Im the girl who overanalyzes everything she puts in her mouth because I am terrified of gaining weight. Literally, not a day goes by that I don't worry about it. I try to be rational and say it doesn't matter, but from the things I've heard in the past few days, it so obviously does matter. 

It makes me so angry because there are girls who have it even worse. Girls who hurt themselves because of it. I fought against those things and thankfully am able to keep myself from doing that. But the constant insecurities have the power to wear anybody down. 

I did not write this blog so I get 500 text message and 20 phone calls of friends yelling at me and telling me I'm fine the way I am . In fact, if you read this please don't talk to me about it. These are personal thoughts I am venting out. 

However, I am writing this as a challenge. If you tell yourself that it's only natural to judge others on their outward appearance, if you use the copout that you are a guy and your mind just works that way, give it up. Choose to be better than that. I don't believe that people have to be that way. I don't believe that all the hurting and insecure girls out there have to feel these things so determine to be different. Be the change. 

I am tired of the media and society telling girls that if they aren't a certain size or weight they aren't beautiful or they aren't normal or they don't deserve and won't get a boyfriend. That is pathetic and I don't buy it. 

I don't care if you are a size 2 or a size 20, you're beautiful as far as I'm concerned. . . . .

I am so frustrated about this topic so if anyone has insights i'd love to chat about it, just not anything about me personal that I may have shared in this blog post. 

Your Everything :)

I found this beautiful song the other day and thought I'd share. 

Enjoy. . . . 

The first time I looked in your eyes I knew That I would do anything for you The first time you touched my face I felt What I'd never felt with anyone else.  I wanna give back what you've given to me And I wanna witness all of your dreams Now that you've shown me who I really am I wanna be more than just your man.  I wanna be the wind that fills your sails Be the hand that lifts your veil Be the moon that moves your tides The sun comin' up in your eyes Be the wheel that never rusts Be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreamin' of and more So much more I wanna be your everything.  When you wake up I'll be the first thing you see and when it gets dark you can reach out to me I'll cherish your words and I'll finish your thoughts I'll be your compass baby, when you get lost.  I wanna be the wind that fills your sails Be the hand that lifts your veil Be the moon that moves your tides The sun comin' up in your eyes Be the wheel that never rusts Be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreamin' of and more So much more I wanna be your everything.  --- Instrumental ---  Be the wheel that never rusts Be the spark that lights you up All that you've been dreamin' of and more So much more I wanna be your everything.  I wanna be your everything.  I wanna be your everything...

Always Coming Up Short. . . way short.

There is something funny about life. The way we try so hard to be everything for everybody. The way we try to be the best at everything we try to do. The sad thing is that isn't possible. We'll always come up short. We will fail, many times most likely. 

I was sadly reminded today what it feels like to not be good enough. Its not enough anymore to do something because you love it or because its fun. If you aren't the best at it then whats the point. At least thats most people's view. I get so frustrated with all the pressure to succeed and to meet people's expectations. I'll never be perfect. I don't want to be perfect. I just want to be surrounded be people who love me for me, imperfections and all. Because imperfections make us who we are. Our failures are what teaches us how to succeed in the future. 

I want to be able to do things for me, like sing at the top of my lungs and not care who hears, but I don't think thats possible. The experiences of our past and the people that have told us we aren't good enough will always be in our memory telling us we can't.  

I guess thats just life. 

Updates on my life. . .

Well, 

It has been a very long time since I have blogged. Its funny, i had forgotten I even had this thing until my sneaky boyfriend got bored at work and found it. Who knows what kind of interesting things he found in some of my older post. lol. 

Well, alot has happened and changed for me in the past months. There have been some really hard learning experiences and just some really great moments. Overall, life is wonderful and I can't complain. 

My friends are truly amazing. I know everyone thinks they have the best friends in the world but I am pretty sure mine actually are the best ever :) I have the privilege of living with my best friend. We have seen each other through so much in the past months and I am just so blessed to have her. She is truly my sister and I can't wait to be those women walking through the mall with their strollers side by side. haha we decided our kids will be best friends. I have so many other wonderful friends as well and I just have had such a great time in the past few months and summer has just begun. So thank you to you guys for making my life so worth it. Every day is new and fun and exciting. 

As for my family, we are the same old Bristols. We'll never be perfect but I feel like we are in a good place. The transition of leaving the nest was a hard one to make and relationships were definitely tested but all in all we have come to a peaceful place. I cannot wait for our family cruise to the Bahamas one week from today!!!  I just want to take a little moment to say how much I love my grandfather. I have found it sooo hard to give him all the time he wants with me. I do my very best and at times I feel like I fail him but its hard with my busy schedule. Its amazing to me how I can be in the worst situation, life can be crazy, i can feel completely hopeless but walking through his door brings me home to comfort, protection, and love. He is the reason I am who I am and I have made it to where I am. He's truly my rock.

Lets see what else is new. . . .

I am so excited to be an official UCF knight. Its all so exciting. Nervewracking, definitely, but amazing thus far. Also, I am very thankful for an awesome boyfriend who just gives me a reason to smile pretty much all the time :)

Well, now that I have been reminded of my blog I feel addicted again. I will definitely be updating this all the time :)

Thoughts from the Road.

Well, i spent a very long time in the car riding to Tennessee. It gives a person a long time to think. In my case, thats not always good. I have a lot of things on my heart and mind lately. They are burdens I know only the Lord can help me handle, but I am also at a very happy time in my life. I am thoroughly enjoying my new place and newfound freedom and responsibility. However, I do think it is funny that as soon as I don't have to ask to do things, I have spent everynight holed up in my apartment with loads of homework. Oh well, such is life. 

I am about to leave the hotel to attend my beautiful and amazing Aunt Fawn's viewing and then tomorrow is the the funeral. This is going to be harder than I want to realize and I would very much appreciate prayers for my family, especially my Uncle Ralph. I suspect the services, as they always do, will make me think alot about life and its value, about making the time I have count. I am sure it will inspire another blog. 

I am off. . . I will blog again soon. After all, there is nothing else to do, stuck in this hotel room. 

like the new Rascal Flatts song. . . i guess, Here Comes Goodbye. :(

New Beginnings!

Today has been absolutely amazing thus far and It is only 4pm. I am at a point where pretty much everything about my life is changing, and as crazy and scary as the ride is, I am absolutely loving every minute of it. 

For one, in less than two weeks I will have a new home. I have started packing. You don't realize all the random things you have accumulated over you life until you have to pack it all up into boxes. jeesh. It is insane, but I am so excited that in less than two weeks I should be all settles into my condo that I will share with my sister, and eventually Lizzie as well.  That is a picture of me with my very first rent check :)

Second, I was accepted to UCF today. I have my A.A. and I will be transferring to get my degree in English Language Arts Education. I am excited, and extremely, extremely intimidated. However, it will be such a different experience and I am very happy to be a UCF knight. Yessss :) 

I had a blast shopping for my new apartment today. Ahhh. It was a blast. I am so very thankful for my friends. They have made my life so very happy and worthwhile. I love you girls!!!

I am off to hang out with Katie. . . more to come soon. Well, maybe. Katie is setting me up on wordpress tonight. :)

Wake Up!

Today was one of those wake up days for me. As if I had just splashed water on my face or stepped out into the sunshine. I had been having a couple of those dreaded kinds of days. The sad ones. I had let situations and circumstances get me down. There were many things going on. I was feeling unloved, unwanted, and miserable. When you are feeling down, it is easy to just keep thinking of things that have been hurting you and just pile it all on at once. I just sat there and let my self cry until I fell asleep. I woke up to a new day and a new perspective. 

I have found that the people we love the most in this world are the people who have the power to hurt us the most. I have found that there will be times when you feel like you'll always be second place. I have found that love doesn't stop, even when you are hurting. I learned alot about myself, and about my capacity for forgiveness, love and understanding. 

I had to remind myself that God has a spectacular plan for my life. I had to remember that someday, I will be THE one for someone, instead of being just someone. I like that :) I will be one in a million, not one of millions. When life gets me down, when the Devil tries to make me feel terribly ugly and unlovable, my creator wraps me in his arms and tells me it will all be ok. 

I have thought more and more about things I have learned, and the Lord has really put it on my heart to help young women and teenagers girls in some capacity when I get older. I want to influence girls so they don't have to feel or experience some of the things I have. God has been so good to me. When I don't get what I want, I feel like there is something with me or that I did something wrong, when in reality God just has something better for me. 

I love being positive. It is the new me. . . i hope. 

The Beauty of Adoption

Hey there. . . 

SO today I think I went through about every emotion known to man. Today we got to celebrate the adoption of a very special boy. His name is Devin Jason Rumeau. My family came to know him when my mom's best friend volunteered as a tutor for a foster home. She became Devin's mentor and got permission to bring him to church. He became a part of our sunday school class and a HUGE part of my heart. We were there with him and praying for him as a couple families showed interest and then ended up backing out for one reason or the other and it broke my heart. There is something so special and strong about him. Then, the Rumeau's came along. They are such beautiful people. I couldn't have picked a better family, and seeing them together today made me know that God created Devin specifically for that family and he knew they would be together since before time began.

The only bittersweet thing about it is that I miss seeing him every week. He became like a little brother to me, and I remember us being in skits at church. One time we had to act like a married couple. He is so hilarious. I remember one day when we were talking about how great the Rumeau's were and how we really hoped they decided to adopt Devin, and my mom told me that had they not come along, they were seriously considering looking into adopting him. In a way it surprised me, but at the same time it didn't because I know how much my family loves him. Also, my Dad was in a children's home at Devin's age and I know he can really relate to him. After that day, I struggled with this sadness. Don't get me wrong, he belongs with the Rumeaus and I am SO happy for him, but it was just crazy to think that he could have been my little brother. 

I just can't wait to see him grow up with his amazing new family and do great things. I am so happy for him and proud of him, as well as extremely blessed to have been a character in a chapter of his life's story.

One thing that this experience did for me was affirm in my heart my own desire to adopt one day and change the life of a child the way the Rumeau's have changed Devins. :) 

If it's not for sale.

    We had to do a discussion in my psychology class the other day about whether we think men and women are treated differently in today's society. I quickly responded that it is very obvious this still happens. However, I am tired of women always blaming men. I am not saying some blame doesn't rest upon their shoulders. In a professional aspect, there is no reason a woman should get any less pay to preform the same tasks at the same level a man can. 

However, I think the main thing today is that women always get hostile about the way men perceive them. They call men dogs and are so quick to talk about how they always think the wrong things and how they are creeps. Listen here honey. . . if it isn't for sale. . DON'T PUT IT ON DISPLAY! Women walk around barely dressed, drawing attention to all the wrong areas and then demand respect! It's absurd. I hate that women today get  a bad rap for using things like that to get what the want. As a Christian young woman who is trying to just live right and be a Godly person worthy of a Godly man someday, I am tired of it. I have a T-shirt that says "Modest is Hottest". I love it. That's how I truly feel. If the only way you can get attention is by belittling yourself, then it's probably the wrong kind of attention for all the wrong reasons. 

          When a guy meets me on the street or passes me in the hall on campus, there will be nothing to distract him from looking at my face. I DEMAND respect, and I do what is necessary to deserve that respect. I want to be loved for the beauty on the inside before the beauty on the outside. 

It breaks my heart to see these girls pass me buy on campus. I feel for them. I want them to realize that they are worth more. Ladies, don't settle for being that girl who has nothing special for her future husband because every guy that passes her on the street has already seen it. And guys, do your best to respect them, and please, show the right kind of girls some love. haha. that last part is a joke. 

Just a little disclaimer, I am not a nun and I do not look super different from the rest of the world, but I will honor myself and my future husband by doing what is right. 

Can I get a witness???

Healing for the Broken. . .

I think one of the worst feelings a person can experience is life is helplessness. Not just helplessness in general but helplessness when it comes to protecting one of the people you love the most in this world. I spent much of my evening holding one of my best friends as her heart was breaking. I just held her and cried with her. I hope what I said helped but overall I just felt like my words weren't enough. I wanted to fix things for her. I wanted to make her whole, to put a bandaid over all the scars he has left on her heart. I know that is impossible, but when you love someone, that is all you want to do. 

Without going into detail, the basis of what happened was that we ran into to guy she was dating for a year. Things just recently ended, yet there he stood right in front of us with another girl. I just held her as she cried and said, "He promised to love me forever. How does that just go away? Was I not worth it?" It broke my heart into more pieces than I can count to see her hurting that way. Part of me wanted to lay into him, I wanted him to know how much her hurt her and I wanted him to hurt just as much. The rational side of me however knew that wouldn't help anyone. As much as I wanted to do more for her, all I could do was be there for her, prove that I would always be there even though he left. She reminded me of myself not so long ago. I wasn't going through a relationship situation, but my philosophy in life was that people always leave. 

The only thing that changed my perspective, the only thing that made me realize that I was loved no matter how badly other people, who claimed to care, treated me was that I had my faith. I have a Savior who gave his life for me. He thought I was worth it. I saw my friend putting herself down because of one stupid boy who didn't deserve her anyway. I wish I could make her understand that she is worth it. I wish every girl out there could know that they are worth it. People disappoint and people fail us, but God will never fail. God will always love and cherish us. 

Tonight was just another example to me of "love" in this world. Promises mean nothing to most people and love is just a word people say without taking time to understand the meaning. How many people tell every person they date those words? I have never said that to someone because it has never been true yet. It is something I hold very important, something I will say to one man, and one man only. I don't want this world's cheap love. I see, as I saw tonight, the pain it leaves behind when it ends.